Here's My Truth: I Learned How to Date At 40

Dr. Rich

Oct 4

6 min read

Here’s my truth, My Rich Angels: I did not know how to date.

Not “I had bad dates.” Not “I was too picky.” Not “the apps were doing too much,” although baby, the apps do be doing the absolute most.

I mean I truly did not know how to date. I knew how to be good. I knew how to get A’s. I knew how to serve at church, show up on time, smile pretty, and make everyone proud. But flirt? Let a man pursue me? Decide what I wanted without feeling guilty? That was a whole foreign language.

Eye-level view of a woman journaling beside a cup of tea — Some truths need a soft place to land.

I was raised to be the good girl

I grew up in a Christian household. Church was not just something we did on Sundays. It shaped my choices, my schedule, my friendships, and the way I saw myself.

My church was fairly strict, especially around sex before marriage. The message was clear: don’t do it. And honestly, I was terrified. I wanted to be the good Christian girl. The smart girl. The girl parents praised and church mothers smiled at.

So I did what high achievers do. I performed.

I made good grades. I stayed involved. I tried to make my parents, my family, and my community proud. And somewhere inside that little girl was a belief that if I followed the rules, life would reward me with the fairy-tale package.

Meet the guy. Fall in love. Get married. Have babies. Build a beautiful family.

Simple, right?

Except life said, “Cute plan, sis. Let’s talk.”

Shame taught me to avoid risk

When I was younger, I watched girls from church go off to college and come back pregnant and unmarried. I saw the whispers. I saw the way some people treated them. I felt the heaviness around their stories.

Whether anyone meant to or not, I learned a lesson: romantic mistakes could cost a woman her reputation.

So I made up my mind. I would not have sex before marriage. I would not be the girl people talked about. I would not disappoint anyone.

That choice came from faith, but it also came from fear.

And fear does not just protect you. Sometimes it freezes you.

I did not just avoid sex. I avoided the whole process that could lead to it. I avoided attraction. I avoided uncertainty. I avoided being seen as desirable because desire felt dangerous.

Now listen, I still honor my values. But I had to admit that I had built a wall and called it wisdom.

Close-up of a hand choosing a bright lipstick from a vanity — Dating after 40 started with remembering I get to feel beautiful.

I thought love would just find me

Somewhere along the way, I assumed love would happen because I was doing life “right.” I thought a man would notice my character, ask the Lord about me, then appear with a ring, a plan, and good credit.

I was not out here practicing conversation. I was not learning how to vet men. I was not learning what healthy pursuit felt like. I was waiting.

And waiting can feel holy until you realize you are hiding.

By 40, I had never been married. I had never had a boyfriend. Saying that out loud used to sting. It felt like a confession, like I had failed a class everyone else took in secret.

But the older I get, the more I realize that many of us were never taught dating skills. We were taught warnings.

Don’t get pregnant.

Don’t be fast.

Don’t let people talk about you.

Don’t embarrass the family.

But who taught us how to receive affection?

Who taught us how to set boundaries without shutting down?

Who taught us how to enjoy getting to know someone without planning the wedding by appetizer time?

Exactly.

The numbers woke me up, but they did not define me

I do not love statistics because I believe God can override anything. Still, I cannot ignore what I see around me.

Many Black women I know are single. Some are divorced. Some never married. Some want love deeply but are tired, guarded, or unsure where to begin. Some estimates say about 63% of Black women are unmarried, depending on how the category is counted.

That number can feel heavy.

But I refuse to let a statistic become a sentence over my life. A number can describe a trend. It cannot tell me what God can do, what I can learn, or who I can become.

I am not late. I am learning.

And yes, learning to date after 40 has been humbling. It is awkward. It is funny. It is sometimes annoying. It is also making me softer, braver, and more honest.

Wide-angle view of a woman walking alone through a sunny park — There is freedom in becoming available to a new chapter.

I had to separate purity from passivity

This was the big lesson.

Choosing celibacy does not mean choosing invisibility. Having standards does not mean refusing connection. Being a woman of faith does not mean sitting quietly while life passes by, hoping a husband trips over your Bible study notes.

I had to ask myself hard questions.

Do I actually want marriage, or do I only want the approval that comes with it?
Am I open to being pursued, or do I secretly distrust men?
Can I date with boundaries and still have fun?
Can I be flirtatious without feeling like I have done something wrong?
Can I let a man see me before I know if he is “the one”?

That last one got me together.

Dating means being seen before you have certainty. That felt risky to the old me. The new me is learning that risk is part of intimacy.

How I started learning to date

I did not wake up one day as a dating queen with perfume in my purse and options in my phone. I started small.

I practiced making eye contact. I smiled more. I let conversations breathe instead of interviewing men like they were applying for a mortgage and ministry license.

I started noticing what I liked, not just what looked good on paper.

I gave myself permission to be playful. A little charm. A little mystery. A little “thank you, I know I look good today.”

Whew. Growth.

I also stopped treating every interaction like it had to become marriage. Sometimes a conversation is just a conversation. Sometimes a date is just information. Sometimes chemistry is real, but compatibility is not. That does not make it a failure. That makes it data with lip gloss.

Dating is not a declaration. It is discovery.

And I am discovering myself too.

Eye-level view of a woman smiling across a small café table — Dating can be light, warm, and full of discovery.

I am letting love find the real me

I used to think my dating story was embarrassing. Now I think it is honest.

I was not broken. I was shaped by messages, fears, faith, family, culture, and a desire to be good. Now I am letting God shape the next part with more freedom.

I can honor my body and still be open to love. I can have standards and still be warm. I can be wise and still flirt a little. Amen and amen.

So yes, I am learning how to date after 40. I am learning slowly, sweetly, and with a little sparkle.

And if love comes, I want it to meet the real me. Not the scared good girl performing for approval, but the grown woman who knows her worth, knows her God, and finally knows she is allowed to be chosen.

Through my closeness with God, He’s led me to resources that have helped me learn to date and interact with guys better, and I want to share them with you.

One of them is Dr. Alduan Tartt’s YouTube channel. I love the way Dr. Tartt gives dating advice for single women. He offers great perspective and information and connects it to God’s Word. I’ve learned a lot from his YouTube channel and recommend it!

Another great resource is Mrs. Adrianna Onubogu’s YouTube channel and her books. Oh my goodness, I devoured so many of her books on feminine communication, flirting, and how to be the woman a man craves back-to-back, and they taught me how to communicate with men better and how to date. 10/10 recommend!